I am sitting here in a cabin in the mountains staring out a big picture window. I haven’t written in quite a long time. It has been a difficult year or so for me and I just needed to get away to process my emotions.
Next Monday, February 24 marks the one year anniversary of my daddy’s death. As I have said before, I am and always will be a “Daddy’s girl.” Daddy had been sick for a long time and honestly, I know in my head that he is so much better off now. He is healed. He is walking streets of gold with my mom, my brother, and my son. He is in the presence of the Lord. But, oh how I miss him! It has really surprised me just how many ways I have missed him this year. I thought I was ready. I had prayed for the Lord to help me be ready when the time came.
The thing that I think has surprised me the most is that I feel like I am an orphan now. I know that sounds crazy. I am 58 years old. How could I feel like an orphan. I am not a child anymore. Well, crazy or not, this has been the overwhelming emotion I have had this last year. Both of my parents have passed on to heaven and here I am. I was very close to both of my parents. They were both very present in my daily life and the lives of my children. Their absence has left a huge hole. Over the last several years I would call Daddy just about everyday when I left work to check in with him. I have reached for my phone countless times just to realize time and time again, he isn’t there. Any time I needed advise about any thing … I would call Daddy. Any time something exciting happened, I would call Daddy.
Daddy was always there no matter what. He always had the best advise, the most encouraging words, the best perspective on life, and the best laugh. I always knew he would catch me if I fell, pick me up, dust me off, tell me I could do it and send me on my way. No matter what, I knew with out a shadow of doubt that he loved me unconditionally.
I remember whispering to Daddy just hours before he passed, that he had done a great job raising us and that we would be OK. He did do a great job! I know he taught me how to be a strong woman of God. He gave me what I needed from a daddy to help me be successful in this life. I know that in my head, but my heart has really struggled with it lately.
I hear the Luke Combs song “Even Though I’m Leavin'” on the radio almost everyday. The lines “Daddy, I am afraid, won’t you stay a little while? I never thought I’d have to say goodbye. Daddy, please don’t go, I can’t do this on my own. There is no way I can walk this road alone” really hit me hard. The song goes on and the dad replies, ‘Just ’cause I’m leaving it don’t mean I won’t be right by your side. When you need me and you can’t see me in the middle of the night, just close your eyes and say a prayer … I won’t be here, but I’ll always be right there. Even though I’m leavin’, I ain’t goin’ no where.” Daddy is gone, but he is still right here in my heart forever.
Side note: There is a legend that says when you see a cardinal, it is a loved one that has passed on coming to visit. There is a bird feeder just outside this big picture window. There have been two cardinals – male and female that have been flying around and landing on the feeder the whole time I have been sitting here writing this post. SMILE.